Azaan Vhora is a Psychologist with a Masters in Clinical Psychology. He has experience working with children and parents and provides counselling services for families.
Introduction
“Why can’t she play by herself?
Why are you crying?
What’s wrong?
If you don’t stop, we will go home.
Have you heard these phrases before?
I’ve been meaning to write about why children have tantrums and how we, as well-balanced and insightful parents, can manage them. However, I always felt like I wasn’t qualified enough. But then it hit me one evening:
• I have a 4-year-old daughter, and she has temper tantrums on average once a day. On weekends that doubles.
• Guess what? I was once a 4-year-old myself, and apparently, based on reliable sources, I had my fair share of tantrums too.
• On top of that, I’ve also studied this stuff.
So, I guess I’m somewhat qualified to talk about this topic and offer guidance to everyone. Well, maybe not guidance with a capital “G,” but more like sharing some insights and practical tips. You see, there isn’t a single right way to parent. My favorite saying is that we just need to be “good enough” as parents, understanding that occasional mistakes or imperfections are part of the journey.
But when it comes to tantrums, it feels like I can never quite get it right. I don’t know about you, but my success rate seems to hover around 20%. And let’s face it, sometimes our kids can be little troublemakers, making it hard to maintain a positive parenting attitude when there’s red Crayola on the carpet and I’m already running late for work.
That’s why I embarked on a journey of research and self-reflection, determined to improve my overall score in the tantrum management department. And now, after much effort, I’m excited to share my findings with you.
In this blog post, you’ll discover:
• How I make sense of tantrums.
• My proposed approach to handling them.
• Recommended resources for those who want to delve deeper into this topic.
So, let’s dive in and unlock the secrets of tantrums together, shall we?
What Is a Tantrum?
A tantrum is a form of communication.
Tantrums are how our little ones express themselves to us. They are raw, unfiltered, chaotic, and sometimes rough expressions of what’s going on in their tiny bodies and minds. It’s not a good or bad form of communication, but rather the one that comes naturally to your child.
As children grow older, their tantrum style may change, but whether it improves or worsens depends largely on us as parents. It’s important to remember that children go through stages of development.
They don’t suddenly transition from clueless, forgetful, diaper-wearing beings to fully independent individuals. Tantrums are normal during the early stages of human development, when language, social reasoning, emotional regulation, empathy, and other skills are still developing.
Understanding the stages of child development is important, but that’s a topic for another post. If you want to learn more, you can visit www.raisingchildren.net.au.
For now, let’s focus on what a tantrum really is—a form of communication. It’s their way of expressing the following states:
• Feeling hungry, tired, or overstimulated
• Feeling overwhelmed
• Feeling angry, scared, or sick
What Happens During a Tantrum?
What we see during a tantrum—wailing, thrown toys, hitting, biting, self-harm, flailing arms and legs—is just the external expression. But internally, their little bodies are going through a whirlwind of sensations, such as a fast heartbeat, tight chest, difficulty breathing, racing thoughts, nausea, hyperfixation, and more. The intensity of the tantrum reflects the intensity of their internal state.
To understand their external expression, let’s consider a thought experiment. Think about how your body feels when you experience fear, anger, guilt, hunger, sickness, tiredness, or uncertainty. Now imagine those emotions in the small, unrefined, and developing bodies of your children. What may be a small pain sensation to us could feel like a 9/10 for them.
As long as tantrums are the only way their needs are being met, these intense expressions will persist. They may be seeking attention from others or from you, trying to avoid something or someone, coping with overstimulation, securing an activity or object of their attention, or seeking safety.
If we don’t like the way they communicate with when they have these needs, it’s our responsibility as zen, peaceful and always present parents (that’s a joke) to show them the correct way. Keep in mind that they are not peer-aged academic students; they are still learning and growing. We need to help build their capacity to identify, understand, cope and communicate with these intense sensations.
Instead of assuming that they are deliberately trying to annoy, manipulate, or influence us (which would require superior intellect), consider that they just don’t have the capacity yet and are genuinely confused, overwhelmed, scared, or simply acting like a baby.
If we approach the problem with the assumption that they are just being kids, we’re more likely to respond in a way that aligns with their needs. After all, when has your toddler ever said, “Mom, if you could kindly give me a hug because my heart is beating fast and I feel scared right now”?
While at times we wish our children could communicate like Benjamin Button, they have bodies filled with unusual sensations, distracted and uncertain minds, limited capacity to calm their emotions, poor self-monitoring, and difficulties with goal-directed behaviour.
As a wise man once said, “Children know nothing.” I tend to agree because children are born without pre-installed software. They only know what they can see, hear, feel, and are taught. Before you jump to the conclusion that I’m blaming you for their tantrums, I’m simply pointing out that we all have our own flaws and challenges when it comes to family dynamics and managing anger.
So, what does this have to do with tantrums? Well, I believe it’s important to understand who you’re dealing with—your child—before you can truly understand their behavior.
How To Deal With Tantrums?
Dealing with tantrums involves three parts, although there may be more, let’s focus on these three for now: how you deal with yourself, how you deal with your child, and the aftermath.
Dealing With Yourself
- Prioritize self-care and address any personal issues you may have. If you’re dealing with stress, lack of sleep, or other challenges, it will be difficult to handle tantrums effectively.
- Seek professional help if needed. Sometimes, it’s beneficial to reach out to therapists or counsellors who can provide guidance and support.
- When planning your day, consider the toll that parenting takes on you. Avoid scheduling demanding activities or commitments right before picking up your child or when you’re already exhausted. If unavoidable, be mindful of the situation.
Dealing With Your Child
Before engaging with your child during a tantrum, follow these three steps, known as the 3Rs:
- Responsibility: Remember that it’s not their fault for having a tantrum. Acknowledge that tantrums are a normal part of development.
- Remember: Recognize that your child is still learning and doesn’t have the same understanding as adults. They may not comprehend your calm words or love in the heat of the moment, but that shouldn’t stop you from starting with them.
- Release: Take a deep breath to release tension before addressing the situation.
Aftermath Of The Tantrum
Consider these two steps sometime after the tantrum episode, which can range from 10 minutes to 5 hours later:
- Reflect: Put yourself in the shoes of a judgmental observer and ask yourself how they might view the interaction. This helps gain a different perspective and identify areas for improvement.
- Repair: Take action to repair the situation by engaging with your child in a constructive way. Some approaches include telling a relevant story, discussing how to handle similar situations in the future, asking for their point of view and advice, role-playing as the child and letting them be the parent, simply having fun with them without discussing the tantrum, or seeking their advice for a friend’s problem (similar to the tantrum issue).
Here is a narrative example of some of the tips in practice.
Tim arrives home from work, feeling utterly exhausted and thinking, “Here comes the second shift.” As soon as he walks through the door, his energetic daughter Mekayla rushes up to him, excitedly discussing their afternoon plans. Caught in a mix of frustration, tiredness, and anger, Tim unintentionally snaps, “Mekayla shutup! Can I just put my things down first?” Mekayla’s eyes well up with tears, and she runs off, crying into her room. Its one of those loud cries.
Tim’s inner critical voice goes into overdrive, flooding him with feelings of shame and guilt. But he quickly reminds himself that it’s not Mekayla’s fault. Taking a deep breath, Tim follows Mekayla to her room.
He gently approaches her, saying, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled like that.” He extends his hands and gives her a hug, holding her gently. Within a matter of seconds, Mekayla wipes her tears away and launches into her list of activities and playtime goals. This time, Tim firmly but kindly tells her, “Mekayla, when I come home from work, I’m tired. I promise I’ll play with you after I change, eat, and rest.” Mekayla hesitates for a moment, but then nods in agreement.
BONUS* What NOT to do
Here is a short list of actions or approaches which don’t work. You may already know all these, in which case treat them as reminders and confirmation of your knowledge.
- Don’t use physical punishment – This teaches the child that physicality can be used to obtain their needs. It also causes your child to feel fear and shame instead of understanding.
- Avoid shaming or belittling your child: Remember, how you speak to your child will be how they speak to themselves. That inner critic voice we have in our heads, its heavily influenced by what we were told when we were kids.
- Don’t compare your child to other kids: Each child develops at their own pace, and comparing them to siblings or other children can create feelings of inadequacy.
In Conclusion
Parenting can be an unpredictable roller coaster ride, with tantrums being just one wild loop we all experience. And in those moments, it’s tempting to wish for a magical solution that could make tantrums vanish in an instant. I get it; I’ve had those thoughts too.
But let’s pause for a moment and think beyond the fantasy. Imagine if there was a device that could instantly eliminate tantrums with a snap of your fingers. Sounds tempting, right? However, we must consider the consequences.
Yes, it might offer temporary relief, but what would that mean for our children’s growth and development? Tantrums, as frustrating as they may be, serve a purpose. They are opportunities for our little ones to learn and navigate the complexities of their emotions and the world around them.
Instead of seeking a quick fix, let’s embrace the messy, imperfect journey of parenthood. Let’s equip ourselves with the real superpowers that we possess: empathy, understanding, and patience. Let’s be the guiding lights in our children’s lives, teaching them how to navigate through the stormy seas of emotions.
So, my fellow parents, I invite you to put aside the wishful thinking and embrace the real adventure. Tantrums will come and go, leaving behind valuable lessons and unforgettable memories. Let’s focus on fostering resilience, teaching emotional regulation, and nurturing the bonds we share with our little ones.
Remember, you are not alone in this chaotic and beautiful journey of parenting. Reach out for support, lean on your fellow parents, and share your experiences. Together, we can navigate the tantrum storms and celebrate the triumphs that await us.
So, take a deep breath, gather your strength, and embark on this incredible adventure with open hearts and open minds. You’ve got this, and I’m right here with you, cheering you on every step of the way.
Wishing you strength, patience, and an abundance of love as you embrace the joys and challenges of parenting.
With solidarity,
Azaan
Former 4 year old
Father of a 4 year old
Human
Psychologist
Resources
For more information on how I can help you deal with your stuff visit my webpage on www.mindology.com.au.
And if you want to learn more about this topic, I recommend exploring the resources provided below:
- “The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
- “No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind” by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Both are available on audible, so if you cannot read like me, then you can listen to it on the car rides and gym sessions.
For more information go to raisingchildren.net.au. This website is the single best resource I have found for up-to-date content on how to parent. It’s got videos, the examples are real and not poshed up and it covers everything.
For more information about how to look after you go to beyondblue.org.au.
